I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
