Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
