The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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