I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
