you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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