I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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