Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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