she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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