my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
