why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
