Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im six kinds of drunk right now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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