So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize