Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
