I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
