this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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