just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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