yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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