I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
