He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
