Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
