shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
