the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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