Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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