I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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