i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize