Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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