Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
