dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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