if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
