the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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