i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
