I'm really into asian looking animals
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
