it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
