There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
