The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
