I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
