it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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