mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize