I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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