So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize