I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
