1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
