I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
