last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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