Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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