well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
