I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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