You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
