Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
