I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
