You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
