Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
