can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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