What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
