My room smells like vodka and shame
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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