I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I need to stop coming to work sober
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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