I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
