he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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