Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
