I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
