I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
