Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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